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I had to be to work 3 hours early today and well…I have some tips to make your morning better than mine.

5. Bring Extra Shoes

For Sneaker Fans Limited Production Shoes Are Worth A Five-Day Wait

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Maybe it’s me, but every time I go, someone comes in and sits right next to me! So go to the very last stall, and bring an extra pair of shoes and put them in the stall next to you. Works every time. So I’ve heard..

4. Wear Ear Buds

New home

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Who wants to hear that loud PLOP as you release waste?? Nobody! So turn on your music and poop in peace.

3. Grab napkins

The most important thing is to make a stock of toilet paper!

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You ever been alone in the bathroom, taking 7 minutes to escape, while that quesadilla escapes your body…only to realize there’s no TP? So you either gotta hit the duck walk to the next stall, or…, that’s what you gotta do. Because you WILL wipe. So skip that step and keep napkins in your bag.

2. Flush Twice

High Angle View Of Faucet In Bathroom

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Listen, it’s a natural bodily function. Everyone does it, but everyone shouldn’t have to smell it. So flush after you handle your business. Then flush again, for good measure. Or buy Lysol. The can says it can cure coronavirus, so I’m sure it can cure that booboo smell.

1. DON’T

Reading v Middlesbrough - Sky Bet Championship - Madejski Stadium

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You knew you shouldn’t have had all those raisins and graham crackers last night, but here we are. So wake up 15 minutes earlier, poop int he privacy of your own home, then go to work. Ain’t nobody got time for you to be blowing up the community bathroom.