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Dear other woman,

Stop being trifling.


Womanhood (well, minus all polygamists)

This Valentine’s Day some woman will again feel like “shyt people feel on Valentine’s day when they’re bitter.” Maybe she’s bitter because her prized  ‘v’ between is alone….again. Or perhaps it’s because Valentine’s Day is another anniversary marking her past pain. A reminder of your trifling behavior.

READ: Does Brian White Hate Black Women Or Is He Spot On?

I’d write your trifling behind an open letter but I typically hate reading them.  I’ll spare you and instead just….talk.

You’re not trifling because at your core you WANT to be —

It’s probably because…

1. You’ve been hurt and can’t let go and thus continue to hurt others. We all know “Hurt people hurt people” (especially themselves)

2. Or as a child all you saw was trifling behavior.  So of course, “teach a child in way that he should go…” and off you went. Carrying a trifling lunchbox and all.

3. Or perhaps you’re not quite sure you’re actually the other woman.   “Maybe she’s the trifling one.” (insert eye roll-lip pop-neck roll)

4. Mainly you can’t visualize the other woman.  She’s a figment of your imagination. Someone you don’t care to believe exists. She’s just a blur. The sum total of the negative things he’s told you she’s done.  To you, she’s ugly, rude, and in the damn way.

5. And or, you’re likely caught in the sick cycle. As women we hear the ridiculous stats about divorce and irreconcilable differences. The Washington Post says black women will never get married if they’re successful, and half of our friends are struggling to find a man. So when some dude (even one in a relationship) seems like he gives even the slightest damn about us we’re willing to entertain it. We scrabble. Engage in some harmless flirting at a party–exchange some witty twitter banter and emoticons (scream) and our Facebook messages suddenly turn X-rated.  Overnight we’ve become a trifling woman. Oops.

Do you really want to be the irreconcilable differences cited in someone’s divorce papers?

“Hurt people hurt people”

I’ve been trifling before. Perhaps just like you,  or maybe not like you at all.

My trifling behavior stemmed from my:

1. My short sightedness. “Future what? That’ ll never come. I’m going to just do this now and deal with the consequences later” (….Enters Foolisha Jovian)

2. Selfish. “I’m the ONE who deserves to be happy. Not them. Who is she anyway? Her situation isn’t like ours. She doesn’t understand or deserve this.”

3. Impatient. “God’s taking entirely too long to return my calls and its cuddle season. I want a man and I want one now.”

It’s time to change.

4 steps to stop being trifling

1.  Flip the script. How would you feel on the other side of your actions? No caveats, no excuses. Just flip it. Right now. Is it still the right thing to do?

2. WWJD. Remember that one. Now consider WWYD? (What Would Yandy Do?)  How can you criticize a chick on Love & Hip Hop, when you’re acting like an understudy for someone on the cast?!

3. Stop hanging out with friends who co-sign your trifling behavior. Real friends have your BACK and your HEART and don’t mind telling you the truth about your behavior.  That’s what friendship is all about. We have to check each other. As easily as we’re friends today, one of us (without checking) could easily be the one cheating with our friend’s man (or woman…) You reap the skirt you sew….

4. Decide to be better. You know better than us just how trifling you are, and just how long you’ve been regretting your actions.  Stop talking about being a better person and just decide to make better decisions today. We’re all in this together. And trust me your future relationships will love you for it.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been cheated on?

Raise your hand if your friends have been cheated on?

Raise your hand if you regret the cheating you’ve done?

Now, raise your hand if you’re tired of being scared that your man will cheat on you just because of all of the cheating you’ve seen around you?

Yep, we’re all in this together.

Jovian Zayne is a writer, photographer and radio co-host in New York City.  Read more from Jovian on her personal blog Word Up Haay! and join her on twitter via @jovizi for laughs, encouragement and your daily dose of quick wit.

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Dear "Other" Woman: Find A Man Of Your Own  was originally published on