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This year has been…a lot. So this is the perfect time to get in the spirit. Here’s why:

5. It Finally Makes Sense – If it’s not coronavirus or the crips and bloods, it’s something else down here to look out for. I don’t even know if Jehovah’s Witnesses still going out. So if you’re gonna break into a stranger’s house, you better have a getaway vehicle…in the sky…led by animals that don’t fly.

4. You Need a Distraction – Every time you turn on the tv, someone is dead or dying, and that’s just the unarmed black people the police kill. So if you wanna distract yourself by imagining a strange white man sneaking in the crib in the middle of the night, I’m sure it’ll calm you down.

3. You Need Someone to Blame – So you’re telling me, you purchased a PS5, 85 inch tv, and those new AirPods….and you haven’t had a job since BEFORE the pandemic?? Yea…you better blame all that THEFT you committed, on Santa.

2. Cause Hurt People, Hurt People – You remember that sting of finding out it was all a lie?? Well what you look like depriving your children of the same lie that will psychologically train them into believing that the truth hurts, so they too will lie when it feels better?? That’s great parenting.

1. You Believe in Everything Else – You really think the pilgrims came to America and made friends? You think Easter is about eggs and not the equinox? Amber Guyger was so sleepy that she killed a man in his own house, with perfect aim? Then you might as well believe an overweight stranger comes through the chimney you don’t have, carrying enough presents for the entire earth….and don’t steal nothing. Sure.

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