The Beat DFW Daily Video

With white Jesus’ birthday around the corner, let’s celebrate the fact that you probably have some more time until the Savior arrives.

5. Mega Churches Would Stop Making Money

Lakewood Church in Houston

Source: Timothy Fadek / Getty

Imagine your millionaire pastor not being able to talk about the meek inheriting the earth as the reason to give him money…I mean, pay your tithes. “Gimme this ten percent so I can buy a new jet! Don’t worry; when Jesus comes back, you gone be rich like me! Oh, he’s back…? That’s an imposter! I haven’t built the new wing on my mansion yet!”

4. Kanye West Made a Trash Album About Him


Kanye West MAGA hat

Source: Kanye West / Instagram

How Jesus gone come back, when he don’t even have a good soundtrack? The nerve of Yeezy, out here using his name in vain! The only time you can do that is when you win an award for Best Rap Album.

3. He Would be Too Slow Performing Miracles

Reef Sandals

Source: Courtesy of Reef Sandals / Courtesy of Reef Sandals

What kinda car did Jesus have? Bicycle…? Scooter…? So he’s just supposed to instantly hop in a car in this traffic, and know how to drive to you?? This ain’t what they meant by “Jesus take the wheel.”

2. You Would Clown His Edges

Mid Adult Man Looking In Mirror While Touching His Receding Hairline At Bathroom

Source: Pongsak Tawansaeng / EyeEm / Getty

Now I know white Jesus is running around with the finest Malaysian bundles, but since the good book says he had “hair like wool,” he wouldn’t be out here tryna slick down no edges, just for humidity to lift them. He tryna give you everlasting life and you worried about his hairline.

1. You Would Judge Him for Not Having Followers

92Q Marketing Web Table - Instagram

Source: Creative Services / iOne

He saves, he performs miracles, he baptizes people…but he’d probably only have like 444 followers. You know, the whole humble thing. But be real: if he posted a flyer for a salvation party on his timeline, only like 10 people are gonna show up. Maybe 12…