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I wanna make sure your Thursday goes off without a hitch, so here are some things to avoid this Thanksgiving.

5. Your Nasty Relative’s Food – Everyone in the family knows she got roaches, but she doesn’t believe in killing any living thing. That’s cool, but nobody will be touching the potato salad that you and the roaches made from scratch.

4. All the Vegetarians – I think i can speak on behalf of my fellow vegetarians by saying that we are sick of you telling us “we got salad.” Listen just let us bring a dish that no one else is gonna eat, and enjoy our meal of cornbread, potato salad, and rolls in peace.

3. The Relative who Just Got Out of Jail – You know 98% of people who go to jail become Muslim. And you just gone cut that ham in front of him?? Now you finna get an earful instead of a full stomach.

2. The Itis – I know the whole idea of Thanksgiving is to be thankful of everything you have, and overindulge in food that’ll likely kill you, but get too full and fall asleep at Big Momma’s house if you want to. Your bad ass cousins got sharpies, and you gone wake up with all kinda expletives on your forehead.

1. Cooking – Host Thanksgiving at your house. Tell everybody coming to bring a dish, and you just got a free meal and all you had to do was clean up and unlock the door.

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