People say the dumbest things, and I’m just here to make fun of them for it.

5. “He walked a country mile” – Now I’m no….whatever kind of person studies units of measurement, but if I turn on my Nike run app and run a mile, it’s the same mile whether I’m downtown or in Waxahachie. Nothing takes longer to get to in the country; it just feels that way because there’s no scenery on the way to the destination.

4. “Don’t even think about it” – If you say this, you already know what they’re thinking…meaning they’ve thought about it. And if they hadn’t thought about it…bet they will now. And it’s your fault for telling them not to.

3. “In the middle of the night” – When exactly does night start? Let’s say it gets dark at 8pm and lasts until 6 am. That’s 10 hours, right? So technically the middle of the night would be 1 am. But people use this phrase at 3 am or 11:30 pm…so until we learn units of measurement, just tell me what time it was.

2. “I’m quick on my feet” – This is about having the gift of gab and being able to rebuttal quickly…what does ANY of that have to do with the number of steps you take?!? Can you be quick on your brain? Speaking of which…

1. “Off the top of my head” – Well where else would it come from, the side of your head? That’s your ear. The bottom of your head? That’s your neck! Not to mention, any quick idea, just like one that takes time, comes from INSIDE your head.

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