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Dear Gay Best Friend,
My husband of 10 years is 9 years younger than I am. Neither one of my children are his, yet he’s helped raise them. The problem is he has these times when he talks down to them, instead of teaching, and he’s talking about them in one way or the other. We get into it about this all the time. For example, my husband took the oldest to look at a car. The oldest took the car for a test drive, and the car broke down on him. My husband got worried and went looking for him. He found him at a store, not far away with the hood up and he was trying to troubleshoot what was wrong with the car. My husband got upset and got in my son’s face cussing and using the F-word with him. My son called me and was upset, and my husband was upset. I couldn’t do anything because I was on the phone and not there. I told him he didn’t handle that correctly. He’s the adult and he is supposed to set the tone and lead by example. It wasn’t my son’s fault that the raggedy car he test drove broke down. What’s your take? – Dealing With Step Daddy Drama
Dear Ms. Dealing With Step Daddy Drama,
Tsk, tsk, tsk! Well, I think there is some resentment from your husband. Think about it. He has come into a marriage with an already made family. Yes, he has helped to raise your kids, but has he accepted them as his own? There is a difference. So, with that, there could be some underlying resentment because the children are yours with another man, and your husband may feel like an outsider. Yes, 10 years later, he still may feel as if he is not getting the respect, admiration, and love from you or the kids.
You didn’t mention if he had other kids, or any with you, but if not, then it explains a whole hell of a lot. Look how you stated he speaks to them, and about them. That is a tell-tale sign of someone who harbors some anger or bitterness. When he looks at them he doesn’t see himself. They are reminders of the man you were with before him. And, you and your kids have a bond he can’t come between or be a part of. His blood is not running through their veins. Thus, he may feel disconnected.
But, Ms. Thing, I know there is more to this letter than you are letting on. Oh, yes, sweetie, I can see through the writing. As my grandmother would say, “Chile, there are three sides to every story. His story. Her Story. And the truth.” There is some truth mixed in your letter, but I bet any amount of money, and girl I’m not a gambling man, but if I was, I’d bet the house that his version of the story would be completely different than yours.
You are the mother. You’re going to protect your children. No man, no one, no way, and no how is going to come between you and your children. Oh, yes, darling, I’ve seen some mothers act a fool over their kids. And, I know you’ve seen them rolling their necks, waving their fingers, the other hand on their hip, screaming at the top of their lungs, “Don’t you put your hands on my child! That’s my child. I don’t care who you are. You messing with the wrong one!” Yeah, I know.
Here’s what I also caught in your letter, “we get into it about this all the time.” That statement says it all. You’re arguing with your husband, and I bet you do it in front of the kids, and thus your husband feels you’re taking their side. So, when something goes down, or something happens, the kids run to you because MOMMA is going to handle it and him.
The situation with your eldest and his stepfather taking him to look for a car, now that sounded like a great father/son outing. A moment to bond. But, then something happened, and guess what you weren’t there. But, you’re giving a blow-by-blow account of what happened, oh yeah, your son called MOMMA and told you what happened and you got on the phone and the rest is history. You see, DIVA, it sounds like you and your husband have a repeat performance every time something goes down with the kids. Yes, I’ll repeat again, there is a pattern and you’ve been doing it with your husband for 10 years. And, it all revolves around the children, YOUR children. This pattern is getting old, tired, and the reruns are quite boring and trite.
So, Ms. Dealing With Step Daddy Drama, I suggest the entire family get into family therapy. Hopefully the real issue will present itself and you will get to the root cause of why your husband feels the need to berate, belittle, and talk down to your kids instead of teaching them and lifting them up. And, you can also address why your kids put you in the middle of them and their step-father. Perhaps they don’t like him, or love him. Chile, they may resent him and only tolerate him because he’s your man. I don’t know, and neither do you, but therapy will get it all in the open. Oooohhh, I wish I could be a fly on the wall to hear the –ish that comes out of his mouth, the kid’s mouths, and your mouth during that family session. Naw, I’d rather not. I’m repping team Mary J. Blige all year long, No More Drama! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
How many of you had to deal with a step-parent, along with your children?
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