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Tory Lanez says that he still considers himself Megan Thee Stallion’s friend. I think I need to teach him the definition of friendship…

5. A Shoulder

DART police officer cries at Hospital After Dallas Shooting

Source: Ting Shen / The Dallas Morning News

Whether you lost your job or lost your bae, a friend’s duty is to get ice cream, Kleenex, and let you cry. Like, for example, if you got shot in the foot…you’d cry to your friends, right? I don’t remember Megan crying to Tory…

4. A Diary

Young woman with finger on lips standing against wall

Source: Westend61 / Getty

You can’t hold water, so somebody has to hold your secrets. And a real friend would never betray you. Like for example, a real friend wouldn’t have their PR team threaten to leak lies if you don’t lie for them. But didn’t Megan say Tory had…..

3. A Nurse Practitioner

Elderly woman with protective face masks on sitting on a bench and talking to healthcare worker at nursing home

Source: EmirMemedovski / Getty

You and I both know that trade school certificate is not a nursing degree. But that’ll never stop you from grabbing some band-aids and Neosporin and trying! When I saw Megan’s foot dripping blood, I didn’t see Tory wrapping it up…

2. A Hype Man

Public Enemy Live In Concert

Source: Raymond Boyd / Getty

I don’t care if you sell bundles or booty, a real friend better be right there helping you sell it! Like if somehow…your friend was a famous rapper. You already know you’d make a cameo in a music video! Now was Tory in the “WAP” video…?

1. A Bodyguard

CDU/CSU parliamentary group meeting

Source: picture alliance / Getty

Not everyone can fight, but you better have a friend that can. Even if your friend is 4 foot 6, if you’re…I don’t know…in risk of being shot in the foot, a real friend would protect you. But didn’t Meg say that Tory was the one who SHOT HER….oh wait. I forgot; she’s a black woman. I’m acting like people believe us.

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