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Me and my homegirl made a friend on Fat Tuesday, and it was the worst mistake ever. Here’s why:

5. You Won’t be Annoyed – People who don’t know you love talking about things that absolutely don’t matter. Like come on man…why are you telling me how cold it is? We’re standing outside!

4. It’ll Ruin Your Appetite – Imagine sitting in a booth with a stranger and you tryna eat your food…but she won’t shut up…and next thing you know, BAM: food flies out of her mouth and onto your upper lip. You gone keep eating, or take your L and just bounce? Wasted all that money on food.

3. We Too Old to Make Friends – Listen I’ve lived in 4 cities in the last 12 years. Making new friends is essential to moving to a new city. But I already have my friends and there’s no room in my 128 gb iPhone for another contact. So when a random stranger tries to be your friend, yell “Stranger Danger” and walk away.

2. You’ll Save Your Breath – Why do strangers insist on talking SO MUCH?? And they don’t just talk, they wait for you to respond. And since it’s the south, you try to be friendly. Then before you know it, you need an oxygen tank because she’s talking faster than Bizzy Bone on a Bone Thugs song.

1. You’ll Cuss Less – Picture this: you’re from Louisiana, and someone tries to tell you not to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras because it’s dangerous. Here’s the part where I tell you she’s from LONGVIEW. So imagine how many curse words you’ll save by switching your friendliness to non-existent.

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