Congrats to Ezekiel Elliot for making history and getting a huge payday in the NFL! I’m just here to help him spend it…
5. Pay Colin Kaepernick to do…Something
Colin is your bother in sport…and he ain’t had a job in forever. Jay-Z clearly doesn’t care, so as the highest paid running back, you can put ya boy on the payroll for something. Hell he can probably teach you some ettiquette.
4. Put a Respectable Barber on the Payroll
Listen I know 3B hair when I see it, and I’m all for the curls, but that helmet plus heat and sweat equals a blowout you didn’t ask for. Might as well cut it off and get a Boosie fade or Dallas shag.
3. Start a Clothing Line
If I see this man in one more crop top that looks like something I need in my closet…Ima rip then off and sell them myself! So invest in a line of crop tops and get that Forever 21 money.
2. Open a Restaurant
Listen you gotta capitalize on the moment, baby! Everybody says “eat Zeke,” so why not feed everybody? “Zeke’s Eats,” “Eat at Zeke’s…” the possibilities are endless! And since I came up with this amazing idea, hire me as the brand manager!
1. Pay Iyanla to Fix His Life
Zeke been messing up since College, but you in the whole NFL now. You can’t be out here punching people in Vegas and missing practice. So gone pay auntie Iyanla that money so you can woosah before you punch someone else.