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I don’t have kids (obviously), and my friends with kids never let me forget it. I’m sick of them. Join me in raising their blood pressure.

5. Invite Them Somewhere at the Last Minute – These inevitable 5 words will surely follow: I don’t have a babysitter. Then you can remind them that you forgot to give them advance warning, because you don’t have those issues. They’ll be sure to cuss you out.

4. Tell Them You Had Unprotected Sex – You’re gonna get the “I love my kids, but if I would’ve waited” speech. And just as they’re telling you that you gotta be better than them, tell them you just playing. She gone block your number.

3. Tell Them They Shouldn’t Whoop Their Kids – The “mama don’t play that” inside of them will explode! The nerve of you giving advice on something concerning kids! It’s not like you were ever a kid and remember how ineffective those slavery ass whoopings were. I’m sleep doe.

2. Call a Random Baby Ugly – People who’ve given birth swear up and down all babies are beautiful. Call one ugly and they’ll throw holy water on you. But I bet they’ll stop asking you when you’re gonna have kids.

1. Tell Them You’re Tired – People with kids swear ‘fo God can’t nobody be more exhausted than them. “You tired?? How?? You ain’t got no kids!” God forbid your career, passion, running errands, and side hustles could actually wear you out. Well guess what? I’m tired, and when I get off work, I’m gonna take an uninterrupted nap on my couch in my draws.

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