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Black Couple Kissing

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Last night in a dimly-lit parking lot, two different guys tried to get my number. They have no idea how close they came to being shot. So I’ll provide a guideline of places to never pick up women.

5. At a funeral – You would think this one is obvious, but some people have no shame. I don’t care how fine you are: if I’m grieving, pass me a tissue and not your number.

4. At the Clinic – Not to be confused with the hospital, the clinic is where you go to get STD testing, pap smears, and things of the sort. If I’ve had an irresponsible drunken night and need to make sure I’m not pregnant or have Herpes, now is not the time to ask for my number.

3. At Work – Ever heard the expression, “don’t poop where you eat?” Imagine your unattractive coworker trying to get your number and you’re just looking for the stapler. Then you gotta look at Facially Challenged Fred everyday. Nah.

2. During Brushes with the Law – Especially nowadays, if you think I’m cute while getting pulled over, all I need you to do is pull out your phone and get my good side while you record the entire thing. Black Lives Matter.

1. Late at Night in a Parking Lot – It might just be me, but I’m too short for anyone to walk up on me in the dark. That’s an excellent way for you to go to Heaven and me to go to court.

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