You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I’m writing to you this morning because I have a few things that is on my mind. First off, I am living with a man that I have known for about 20 years. He has eight kids, not all by the same woman. One of the baby mama’s is, or was, on drugs. They have three kids together, as far as we know they are his.
But, about my business, I love him. He is a good man, works every day, and he is a good friend. But, the last few weekends he has been leaving half a day and coming back the next. I say he is visiting his baby mama. I’m no fool. But to me, the good outweigh the bad. There are signs that let me know something is not right and please believe me it’s holy hell. I asked him to leave, but he won’t. He says he wants to be here. He says that he loves me and he is in love with me. I do believe that my love for him is stronger. I work, clean house, take care of the kids (his two and my two), and I really love my life. He told me to just be me and don’t be a super woman or the person that I think he wants, and to just be myself. I guess I’m writing you to get advice on what to do or how I should do it. Like R. Kelly said, “When a woman loves she loves for real.” – A Hard Loving Woman
Dear Ms. Hard Loving Woman,
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then guess what, it’s a duck.
You say your man has for the last few weekends been leaving half a day and coming back the next. Now, unless he got a weekend job and didn’t tell you about it, then his actions is cause for you to raise your arched eyebrows and question where he’s going. But, darling, why do you keep letting him come back? If he leaves and comes home the next day without any explanation, and all you’re doing is putting up a fight (argument), then he’s going to keep doing it.
I tell you what. The next time he leaves and he doesn’t return, then put his –ish in some bags, or boxes, and set them outside on the porch. Change the locks on the door, and as he’s banging on the door begging and pleading to get in, slip a note under the door telling him to go back where he came from.
You’re living with a man you’ve been knowing for about 20 years. If you have known him for nearly 20 years, then hopefully you KNOW this man. What is going on should not be a surprise to you because he’s not doing anything he hasn’t done before. I’m just saying. But, uhm, boo boo, why are you two not married? That’s the bonus question right there. You’re shacking up with a man for nearly 20 years and you don’t have a ring, or papers? (I’ll wait). Technically, he doesn’t owe you anything, but a good thank you.
And, it’s obvious you love him, because you’re raising not only your kids, but his, and you’re maintaining a home for all of you. But, what I find disturbing is your complacency in allowing his actions to be dismissed. Yes, Ms. Honey, I said complacency because he has 8 kids and not with the same woman. So, if I’m calculating and adding things up correctly, he’s been dipping out on you, cheating, creating havoc, and doing his thing for a while, and you keep letting him get away with it. Now, ask yourself why do you keep letting him come back? Why are you in love with him? And, sure he may love you, but is he in love with you?
You say he has told you that he doesn’t want you to be super woman, or the woman you think he wants you to be, but to be yourself, and based on your letter I feel you’re doing that, but he still keeps doing you dirty. So, how much more do you take of his blatant disrespect of you? If you’re keeping the home in order, and taking care of him in the bedroom, then at least he can respect it and you. (Insert your thoughts here!)
Again, I’ll say this so hopefully all can read it, just because he has a good job, gives you money, is a good friend, and helps around the house doesn’t equate to him being a good man to you. If he’s leaving and sleeping someplace else at night, sneaking around, sleeping with other women, and creating babies, then, yes, the bad does outweigh the good. However, in your case, you’re saying the good outweigh the bad. Hmmmmm, sounds like you got it twisted. Folks have good intentions and want to do good, but if you keep doing bad, then should you keep forgiving them and welcoming them home with open arms? Chile, please. After 20 years you should know better.
Look, Ms. Hard Loving Woman, you to have trust your instincts because you know him and have known him for nearly 20 years. You deserve goodness, greatness, support, respect, and abundant love, but you have to know it for yourself. If you’re not feeling the love, and you’re tired of being stomped on, used, and abused, then change your circumstance. If it means removing him, then remove him. If you keep letting someone mistreat you then you have no one to blame but yourself. Now, pick yourself up, dust your shoulders, pour you a glass of wine, or Henney, and put on some dancing music and start celebrating life. If you keep running behind him, then that is what you will be doing for the next 20 years, running behind him. Girl, you better get yourself together and get it together. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!