Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been with this guy for almost a year now but I’m not his girlfriend. Confused, right? Well so am I. He says he doesn’t desire a relationship and is very content with our connection and special friendship. He also promised that he is and will be real with me. I also got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line. After a year, I don’t know what holds him back from moving forward. I’m so confused right now. What’s your input? – Just Wondering
Dear Just Wondering,
Do you remember that song, You’re Never Gonna Get It, from the popular girl group, En Vogue? Well, uhm, sweetheart, that applies to you.
The man has clearly defined the relationship he has with you, yet you are in denial. He has told you he doesn’t desire a relationship and is very content with your connection and special friendship. I can’t stop laughing at that one. And he told you that he loves you, but is not in love with you. Soooooo, what part of you don’t have a relationship that you don’t understand? You’re not his woman. You’re not in a relationship with him. And, for a year you have been wasting your time with someone you think is going to change his mind.
Let me guess. You think if you stay with him, and be consistent with him and prove to him that you are in it for the long haul then he will come around and see that you are the woman he truly desires? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! He hasn’t, isn’t, and won’t change his mind. To him, you are someone to kick it with and have regular sex with. You are consistently available, and when he feels the need to have you around, I’m sure you go running to him with arms and legs wide open. SMDH!
Trust me, darling, he has set you and the relationship up so when he is ready to stop kicking it with you, then he is free to walk away with no guilt. He can move on and not worry about the emotional connection and attachment. And, I’m sure if he has other women, oh trust and believe he does, he can easily tell them, “She’s just a friend.”
I strongly, and I mean STRONGLY encourage you to pick up my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I have several chapters dedicated to women like you. I wrote the book because I feel it’s very important for women to recognize your own power, grace, and self-love so when a man like the one you have defines the relationship, or lack thereof, and you refuse to listen, then you can’t blame anyone but yourself. Instead of trying to figure out what went wrong, you get to do introspective work and recognize your part in what happened along with what he did and why he did it. Diva, we all make mistakes when we think we’re in love, or commit our time and energy into someone and they refuse to reciprocate the feelings and expression. Here’s your opportunity to empower yourself and do something about it.
But, I’m curious as to why you would stay around for a year with a guy who has told you that he is not in love with you? Why would you think he is going to change? What hope have you convinced yourself with that if you remain with him despite what he’s told you that he will get the sleep out of his eyes and see you standing there?
Look, Ms. Just Wondering, I know you don’t want to hear it, but you’ve got to move on. I’m sorry, but he’s clearly not the man for you. He may be the man for some other woman, but not for you. What you desire and what he has told you he desires clearly does not match. I’m very clear on where he stands, and I can’t fathom why you don’t open your eyes, get some self-esteem and realize he’s keeping you around for his own selfish reasons. And, darling, I also understand that you may feel that you’ve invested time, money, and energy into him and the relationship. And, the last thing you want to do is walk away from him for the next woman to benefit from all the effort you put into him. And, if he decides to commit to the next woman, or even marry her, you don’t want to have that doubt in the back of your mind, and wondering, if you would have stayed another day, week, month, or year, then it would have been you. Right? Girl, you better Free Yourself like Fantasia sang, ‘If you don’t want me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself.’ – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!