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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been in a relationship with this man for two months. We attended college together. He was interested in me, but at that time in my life I was currently in a relationship. After we graduated he always managed to stay in contact with me (via Facebook or text message). The conversation was always short and brief. I had no idea that he was interested in me until August 2010. He texted me and told me to give him a call and I did!
I stay in Chicago and he stays in St. Louis. He has a 10-year old daughter and I have a 1-year old son. He has come to see me and vice-versa. He has his own business, and he has football tournaments across various states. That is a big thing to him. And he is a high school History teacher/basketball coach (for his daughter’s team and high school). I am a speech pathologist assistant (I work 6 days a week), have my own business, and I am a single mother, raising my child along with God.
Where my concern comes in is at is his lack of communication and “false hope.” In the beginning we would talk on the phone at least twice or three times a day. When he had his tournament Labor Day weekend we didn’t talk as much, but he sent texts. But, now I get a text for the entire day, two if I’m lucky. This week I only heard his voice once. I drove to St. Louis last weekend and when I got there he was on the damn phone. Some things are business, others are crap with random people that can obviously wait because I am there. But when he is in Chicago visiting me I make time for him even if I have to work. One particular time he raised hell because that weekend was my ex-fiance’s mom’s funeral. I still went to work and was called into the office afterward for brief meeting. When I got home he was upset and expressed his feelings. Then we spent the whole day together and the rest of the weekend, as well as many visits after that. And, that’s because obviously I understand you have to be fair in a relationship.
Some might think this is insecure feelings that I have, or just being spoiled. I feel I dated and engaged in terrible relationships I had no business in (that include my son’s father). But, I’ve learned from my own mistakes and their ridiculous behavior. I have forgiven and moved on. But, I will not go through the same crap again, especially when I see it coming. I want to talk to him after this project he has. I have feelings and needs, too. I am very aware of the distance, but I am willing to put my best foot forward, despite what is going on in my life. I walked that road of feeling alone in relationship.
I feel that he should do the same. I feel I’m being taken for granted. I feel a sense of false hope, because he doesn’t even offer to pay for me to come there. But he said all that in the beginning. I just feel he doesn’t want to give any energy to the relationship. Then why be in a relationship? Why waste your time? Why did you approach me and open up to me?
All I know is, I’m not in a rush to get married and I wasn’t in rush to be in a relationship. I saw something that I didn’t see. It was trust and he is good guy. I know I can trust him around my son. But, eventually I want to be married and have more children. I want to be able to share my relationship with God, and my life, career, and for him to be a Father to our children. Why do guys take things for granted? Guys feel like they don’t have to put that much energy or time anymore into the relationship that they once did before. I know it is early and I should give it time. But, my time is important also. I hate the excuses that I hear, “He is just a man.” How about he is a human being and we should be considerate and be responsible. What should I do? Because, I don’t want to get rid of a good man? (I understand the hustle, drive, and the willpower) Or, do I walk away from it all? – Taken For Granted
Dear Ms. Taken For Granted,
Carol-Anne! Carol-Anne! I need for you to step away from the light. Girl, you are doing the most right now. I mean in one sentence you say what you don’t want, and in the next what you do. And, everything is what he is isn’t, and is. You don’t like what he’s doing, yet he is a good man. Uhm, sweetie, I think you are doing a lot of contradicting in your letter.
Then you say you’re not looking to get married soon, or wasn’t looking to be in a relationship, yet you jump in a relationship and you’re sizing him up for marriage. Honey, you can’t keep one eye open and the other one closed. I’m looking, but I’m not looking. What the hell kind of nonsense is this?
Okay, so, let’s get this straight. He lives in another state. He visits you, but not as often as you visit him. He doesn’t bend over backwards when you come, and he never pays for you to visit him. Everything he told you he would do in the beginning he no longer does. Hmmm, so he’s not a man of his word. He has no integrity. And, when someone tells you they are going to do something and don’t do it, guess what, they lie. So, he is a liar basically. Yup, I call ‘em as I seem ‘em. Why don’t you? Oh, yeah, because you keep believing and thinking he is going to change. Ahhh, yes, here we are again with this hopefully, one day soon, (and please show me “one day soon” on the calendar), he is going to be the man you want him to be. Here’s my advice for you – BUH-BYE!
In the two months you’ve been dating him he has shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM! Do I think he will invest more time and energy into the relationship? Nope. Do I think he likes you? Yes, but not to be in a committed relationship with you. I think he was after something, and that something was as elusive as your S-E-X, and he got it. Soooooooo, what I do think is that after the effort of trying to reconnect with you, and once he did, he is not as into you as he thought. I really do think people who have crushes or desires for someone who are unattainable, and once they get with them, they discover that the crush and desire was better from afar. When you get to know, and I mean really know your crush or yearning desire, the hype is just hype. Just like a Monet (Google it darling). It looks good from afar, but when you get up-close to it, it’s a mess!
Now, I do commend you on not following or journeying down the road again of undesirable men. You know what you want and need. And, you seem very clear on that. Also, more importantly, you forgave your past and moved on. That is a part of growth and maturity. So, bravo, clap, clap. Chile, many women could take a page from your book. But look here, Ms. Weave-Too-Tight, I need for you to recognize, and not spend anymore time debating on whether or not he is the one. He may be the one, but is he the one for you? Ask yourself that question. And, I’m curious to know what it is he is selling with that B.S. he is dishing you? Chile, you are buying barrels of it, and that stock is declining fiercely. Don’t lose sight of your needs and desires because if they are not being fulfilled now, they don’t definitely won’t be fulfilled later. You can wait on it if you want to.
In my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I have a scenario based on your exact situation. In the chapter entitled, Every Man Is Not Relationship Material: Get Up And Move On, I tell the story of a woman named Jacqueline. She dated a man who lived in another state. She lived in New York, and he in Philadelphia (four hours away). She would spend a lot of time going to visit him, yet he rarely visited her, and he never offered to pay for her to come see him. Well, I told her to stop spending all of her time, money, and energy going to see him and if he was interested in dating her then he would make the effort to come see her. And, you know what happened, darling? He never came to see her. That relationship ended. So, I suggest you don’t go visit him for a month. See if he will make the effort to come see you. If he calls you and says, “How come you don’t come here? What are you doing this weekend, drive down and visit me?” Or, if he makes excuses of why he can’t come see you, then you will have your answer.
Look, Ms. Taken For Granted, I’m going to make this plain and simple (Third grade simple). If he is not living up to your standards then dump him. What are you holding out for and on to? You clearly have a sense of self. You clearly have been there and done that. And, as Jay-Z says, “It’s on to the next one.” So why can’t you seem to let him go? I hope it’s not the sex because girl, no matter how good he is putting it down in the bedroom, it will not make up for it in the long run. Don’t do the tricks and stunts in the bedroom and get turned out because you’ll find yourself doing silly –ish, like you’re doing now, trying to figure out why your brain is not linking up with your heart. Don’t confuse sex with love, or like. Just because he is having sex with you does not equate to love. This is your moment little Ms. Sunshine. Here’s where you win. You’ve identified within two months some inconsistencies. He’s not texting or calling like he used to. Perhaps he’s busy, I mean he is a high school teacher, coach, and has tournaments, but nonetheless, he ain’t that damn busy. He’s not making the trips or offering to help you out financially to visit him despite him saying he would. Uhm, girl, he lied, which makes him a liar. And, finally, my dear, a man who is interested in a woman will make provisions for her. He will go above and beyond for the woman he wants to be with. Like Janet Jackson sang, What have you done for me lately? Snap for the kids – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!